Laurel Heights

Another 5.25 miles today. That seems to be about the limit before I start to get either bored, sad, distracted, guilty, or anxious. Or all of the above. I can't decide if I don't want to walk more because now my "free" time is so precious to me that I don't want to spend it all doing the same thing day after day? Or maybe it's because I used to love window shopping or just shopping in general while I was walking, and now I am no longer allowed to spend money in such a fashion. Or maybe (probably) it's because I start to get even sadder about my dad's death... I don't want to do anything for very long these days, except tickle Natalie and nurse Noah (if while doing so I get to read books on my ipod). Or - strangely - sit in the car with Tyler driving from place to place. I have no idea why that is my activity of choice with him, but I've been driving him to work a lot lately just for the pleasure of sitting next to him in the car.

Anyway, back to the walk. I parked at the Presidio Golf Course and walked down Jackson Street to Fillmore. Then down Fillmore for a while, back up Fillmore to Sacramento, and then down Sacramento to my favorite string of shops in Laurel Village. Sad to see that a pretty embroidery shop and gardening store both closed down on Sacramento - but, alas, that's the recession as well as normal turnover, I guess... I never thought either would last, to be honest - both were in spaces too large for the area. Popped into one of my (formerly) favorite grocery stores when we lived on 6th and Lake, but it is no longer quite so fab-seeming. The produce was sparse and they were absolutely blaring some crazy punk music. Methinks the owners are putting all their time and excellent staff into their newer location in the Ferry Building - probably a smart financial decision. Nursed Noah and changed a blowout at Day One, and peeked at bibs at Citikids ($11 for 3 uninteresting bibs? The new Julie says NO THANK YOU).

I also walked by this house - a block from where we used to live two domiciles ago. Now it is an atrocious showhome, but the outside looks great! Check out the virtual tour for the latest in ugly home design. The place is enormous... it was temporarily used as a hotel for a while, but was empty when T and I lived down the block. T's car was actually smashed by a falling tree on New Year's Eve just a few steps away in 2004!

When I walk I can't help but think of my dad and his last moments, and his life in general. It still all seems like something I dreamt. This feeling is probably exacerbated by the fact that I dream about almost nothing *else* anymore, so it all seems bundled up into some weird nightmare I had. Oh well - it is what it is. This is one of those things Dad and I always used to say to each other, particularly about the pancreatic cancer, and when I think it now, I get sad and comforted and sad and comforted and it's all swirled up together. Walking is probably good for me since Tyler is worried that I am throwing myself into other things and avoiding the feeling. It just sucks so much - who wouldn't want to avoid it?

Anyway, last thought for today. What about "brownies for breast cancer"? Making brownies and charging people for them, and giving the proceeds to my 3-day fund?